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WITI CAREERS
Grown Up Bullies: An Oxymoron?
In my opinion, the phrase "grown-up bully" IS an oxymoron, since if we're really grown-up, do we have to bully anyone? From the time I was a young girl, I found myself defending the victims of bullies. My role model was my sister Adele. She was a straight A student through high school and at the University of Michigan and a terrific athlete. Barely 5 feet tall, she was the one in the family who would defend me, my sisters, and the other neighborhood kids when the local bully would turn on us. Adele loved this role - it was definitely an adrenaline rush; she would just stand between the victim and the bully, get right in his face until he inevitably backed down. Adele was my hero, teacher, and mentor. One of my favorite stories about grown-up bullies is a story about Aileen, a 63-year old widow who was bullied at least once a day by a Harvard lawyer named Jeffrey. Jeffrey was a brilliant lawyer who threw tantrums when he did not get what he wanted, when he wanted it. He was about 31 years old, but always looked like a 5-year old child every time he threw a tantrum. He was rather short, handsome, and his body would go into major contortions during tantrum throwing times. Aileen was the widow of an ACLU attorney, timid by nature, loving, sweet, intelligent and very conscientious. Even though she was 63 and I was 22, we had become friends; she touched me deeply as a wonderful woman whom I felt a need to protect. She needed her job as a legal secretary to one of the senior partners at a major entertainment law firm and was always afraid she would lose her job if she stood up to Jeffrey when he would come screaming at her, upset about something she did or did not do. I worked down the hall from Aileen. It became a daily ritual to run down the hall every time I heard Jeffrey start screaming at Aileen, stand between her and Jeffrey, get in Jeffrey's face (just as my sister had taught me) and demand that he apologize for talking to this woman, old enough to be his grandmother, in that way. He would finally back down and go sheepishly back to his desk until the next tantrum. I had full support of my boss, a top Stanford litigation lawyer, and Aileen's boss, who represented some of the most powerful people in Hollywood. But even if they had not supported me, I would have done it anyway. I learned at an early age that standing up to bullies is a matter of principle - especially when they are attacking nice, decent people! Since then, I have had too many experiences with bullies - in business, neighborhoods and in WITI - and continue to be outraged by bullying behavior. I guess there are different kinds of bullies, but most bullies seem to be like little children who lack the intelligence to understand that while bullying behavior may win some short term benefits, in the end, they lose every time. So, what to do about bullies? The only response I have found is drawing your line in the sand, standing firm and letting them know that no matter how valid their position, screaming, pushing, and bullying behavior will not be tolerated. Think of standing up to bullies as an empowering experience which allows you to establish clear boundary lines - an absolutely necessary step to your own personal and professional development and one which will win you respect from your colleagues and adversaries. If you don't have the stamina to stand up to bullies and other aggressors at the beginning, find a colleague or friend who will help but take seriously the fact that we all have to draw our lines in the sand to make any relationship work.
What are your experiences with the bullies you have had to deal with? Please post your thoughts on the discussion board.
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I recently had a distasteful conversation with a woman whose screaming, talking over my conversation, and just being downright obnoxious reminded me that bullies come in all ages and all genders. Many of us have had to deal with at least one bully in our lifetime, and most of us believe even one bully experience is one too many.