Consultant B.J. Gallagher has noticed something odd. People feel stymied in their careers and say the reason for it is that, "They won't let me." There are many variations on this phrase: colleagues warning, "They won't let you get away with it"; initiatives stopped because, "They won't do it"; and workers frustrated because "They won't change." This inspired B.J. to investigate these barriers to success and led her, along with Steve Ventura, to write Who Are "They" Anyway? (Dearborn, 2004).

In her book, B.J. argues that the complaints against "Them" express a belief among employees that they do not have power. This feeling of powerlessness is familiar to those in the lower ranks of a company. But, Gallagher points out, you hear exactly the same phrases at the VP level. When people at the top of the organization say, "They won't let me," one starts to wonder just who "they" really are.

If you probe in a specific case, you'll find "they" means an unimaginative boss, distracted senior managers, difficult departments, reluctant distributors, close-minded investors, clueless consumers or even recalcitrant employees. However, usually we don't probe; we just talk about "they", a vague and ill-formed perception of opponents preventing our success.

The phenomenon of "they" matters because it really does stand in the way of success. People get depressed; they feel powerless and stop trying to make a difference. Gallagher relates her own battle against this sense of powerlessness. In her case, the "they" was not a vague entity, but her terrible boss. This boss was always criticizing B.J., frequently second-guessing her decisions, and never giving her the authority to even sign off on the purchase of a file folder. Oddly, at the time B.J. was teaching a course on "How to manage your boss," confirming the old saying "we teach what we need to learn". The lesson B.J. was teaching was to snap out of the victim mentality, to recognize the boss wasn't going to change, and to starting asking "What can I do?" When B.J. recognized she needed to learn the lessons she was teaching, she stopped thinking about how she wished her boss would behave and started paying attention to how he really was. For example, he didn't read. Any more than one page was beyond his ability or will. So she started dropping by and telling him verbally what she needed. This one change was the basis for a much better relationship. He was still a terrible boss, but now she felt much better: she was taking control. "They" were no longer a barrier to her success.

This simple lesson is not new, but still it is one that needs to be continually re-learned. We need to regularly remind ourselves to reclaim the power that we do have rather than wallowing in victimhood, lamenting the power we lack. Some companies have a culture laced with a victim mentality; co-workers will eagerly tell you about their own lack of power and warn that you don't have any power either. These professional victims have made a choice to squat in the unhappy status quo. While that may be the easy choice, it's not the best one. Preserve your awareness of your own power, and stay away from victim talk. When you start hearing "They won't let you," it's time to pick up your coffee and find a more positive space.

Another tip is "AAA" or "Action Alleviates Anxiety". When Gallagher felt trapped in a bureaucratic job, she would pick up the newspaper and scan the job ads. She didn't apply for anything, but it reminded her she was in her position by choice and that "they" weren't forcing her to stay there. Taking action, almost any action, will make you feel better.

The most universal rule is to focus on what you can do, not what you can't do. When Gallagher found she wasn't getting the coaching she wanted from a boss, she set out to find it from other people. Reclaiming power was a simple as that. It never helps to choose to blame "them." Choose instead to do what you can to create a better career and a better life.

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