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Success Tools with Jane Herman
Dangerous Attachments

We all get attached to things and people. We feel close to them, connected by ties of affection and attraction. These attachments can make us feel warm, secure, and safe. But attachments can also keep us stuck, unable to take action or move forward, blind to the opportunities around us, and incapable of letting go when in our heart we really know it is time to move on. Here are six dangerous attachments to be on the lookout for:

Attached To Being Right
Some people have an absolute NEED to be right. They can't stand the thought of making a mistake or being wrong. While a desire to do things well/correctly can be a positive force in your life, an attachment to being right has a shadow side:

  • If you are always afraid of making a mistake or being wrong you will likely limit what you do or say. You will be reluctant to venture into new areas of learning and growth and will remain stuck in your old and familiar ways of doing things.
  • When you are attached to being right, then when you deal with others your objective is often to make them wrong. People are likely to tune you out or retaliate when what you say makes them appear to be wrong.
Learn to recognize the distinction between a healthy striving to do things correctly and an attachment (desperate need) to be right.

Attached To Your Beliefs, Opinions, Or Point Of View
Our beliefs, opinions, and point of view are no more and no less than our personal "truths" - they are not "things" that have an absolute existence outside of our own interpretation, and they are not THE truth. We create them based on our background, upbringing, education, experience, etc.

What is a belief? It is nothing more than a feeling or conviction that something is true.

Where do your opinions come from? They are beliefs not based on absolute certainty or positive knowledge but on what seems true, valid, or probable in your own judgment.

Your point of view is merely the way in which you view things.

These definitions and distinctions are important because all too frequently beliefs, opinions, or points of view take on a life of their own. We forget that they are creations of our own mind, based upon interpretations that we are free to change! We begin to view them as things, and worse yet, as things that are integral to who we are. When our beliefs are challenged we sometimes feel our very identity is being threatened.

Strong attachments to your own interpretations can keep you stuck in many ways. Here are just a few:

  • If you have a strong level of certainty in your beliefs you may close yourself off to new input, both consciously and unconsciously.
  • When you listen to others through the lens of your own powerful point of view you tend to move quickly to judge them and what they are saying, or to jump ahead to your own conclusions. You miss the rich experience of seeing things from a novel perspective, and stay stuck in your own interpretations and own ways of doing things.
Remember that your beliefs are not "things" and they are not "you." Be willing to constantly examine and test your beliefs. Be willing to try on new beliefs. Remember that you create your own beliefs and you have the power to change them. Next time you are listening to someone expressing a different belief or point of view, try stepping outside of your own perspective and come from a place of questioning and curiosity, instead of from a place of judgment.

Attached To The Outcome
In some situations it is your job, or responsibility, or your passion to care fervently about the outcome of an endeavor. For example, as a Project Manager you certainly care about the ultimate success of your project. As a parent you clearly hope for the fulfillment and happiness of your child. However, it is wise to keep attuned to how your attachment to the outcome affects who you are and your interactions with others. Becoming overly attached to the outcome can create negative consequences for you, the other people you are involved with, and the projects you take on. Here are some of the things that can happen when you get overly focused on, and attached to, a particular outcome:

  • It is often a short step to believe that any means to achieve your desired outcome(s) are justified as long as they get you there.
  • You get so focused on the "doing" of something that you forget that who you are "being" in the situation is often of equal, or greater, importance.
  • Your focus on accomplishing your task or outcome causes you to see, and treat, other people as objects to be manipulated to accomplish your objectives.
  • You put tremendous pressure on others to comply with your expected outcome, which often serves to drive them away. For example, have you ever noticed how customers can sense when you are desperately attached to making a particular sale?
Here is a new shift to try on: invest yourself in the process, do the best you can, and then let go of the outcome. Remember that all outcomes provide useful feedback. If you don't get the result you want, you can always try another approach.

Attached To "What Is"
Your current situation may not be ideal but at least it is familiar. Sometimes this sense of comfort with, and attachment to "what is" can keep you stuck and unable to create, or move toward, a more fulfilling environment. Research has shown that the majority of people are more concerned with holding on to what they already have than with trying for something better. They are afraid to move out of their comfort zone.

In our fast-paced world today, change is inevitable. When faced with change you can either let it tear you kicking and screaming from your attachment to what is, or you can learn to let go. If you are weighted down by strong attachments to "what is" you will not be able to flow freely with the requirements of change. Try holding lightly, not tightly, to the external trapping of your current life. Keep asking yourself: "What do I need to get rid of before I can be free to change? What do I need to face before I can move forward?"

Attached To The Future Or Past
Many people spend their lives fretting about what happened in the past or worrying about what is going to happen in the future, to the point that they never actually live in the present. What is the present? It is "today" - the reality of your life today. It is not what could be, or should be, or shouldn't be, but what actually is. The present offers a richness of its own, and it is only in the present that you feel, experience, and interact with the world around you. It is only in the present that you take the steps that will actually create your future.

When you truly align yourself with the present you ground yourself in reality. It is impossible to get to someplace new (i.e., a new brighter future) if you don't know where you are starting from or have a clear sense of the gap between what you currently have and what you want to create. To free yourself to live more fully in the present you can start by identifying and finding ways to resolve all of the situations that keep you trapped in the past (e.g., an action you took that violated your own sense of integrity; a situation where you did not speak your truth in the moment; a situation where you let someone violate your boundaries; a situation where you should have acted but didn't). Next, try taking a clear look at the reality of your current situation and asking yourself, "What is perfect about this?" (I.e., what is this situation bringing me or teaching me?). Finally, start thinking about what actions you want to take TODAY (not tomorrow), that will bring you more of what you want.

Addicted
Addictions are like super-sized attachments. You can suffer additions to people, things (e.g., food, drugs), and activities (e.g., work, exercise). Here are some common sources of addictions:

  • Boredom
  • Pain
  • Covering up or avoiding something
  • Unfulfilled needs
Addictions sap your power and energy and keep you running around in circles. Take an honest look your addictions (you may be calling them simply "bad habits") and then get all the support you need to find the source of them and eliminate them once and for all.

Let Go Of Your Dangerous Attachments So You Can Fly
Visualize the image of a person on a trapeze swinging effortlessly from bar to bar. It is said that like the person on the trapeze, to be able to move forward you must learn to reach out and to let go. Be willing to let go of your dangerous attachments so that you can move forward with ease and grace.


Jane Herman is the Personal and Business Success Coach who helps managers, executives, and individuals take control of their lives and reinvent themselves, their careers, or their businesses. To receive a complimentary 30-minute coaching session with Jane, and/or sign up for Jane's free Success Tools electronic newsletter, log onto www.PersonalAndBusinessSuccess.com or email her at Jane@PersonalAndBusinessSuccess.com.

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