A quote by Malcolm Forbes caught my eye the other day. It said, "Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are." Yep, I thought, we are just like a bunch of cows in a field. We look over at the cow in the next field and we not only think, "That cow has better, greener grass than I do," we also think, "That cow looks, acts, and IS better than me." It's all about comparisons. To find out how we are doing we just naturally compare ourselves with others to see if we are OK. And frequently we come up short in the comparisons.

But how does all of this comparison affect our self-esteem and our actions? And why do we undervalue ourselves in comparison to others? But if we don't make comparisons, then how do we judge our own level of achievement and success?

How does comparison affect our self-esteem and our actions?

Comparing and contrasting how we do things with how others do them is a natural and effective mode of learning. The problem is that we usually mix in a good portion of "judgment" into the comparison. We latch onto the notion that there is a "right way" and a "wrong way" of thinking, being, and acting. To make matters worse, we frequently tend to believe that everyone else knows the "better way," and our skills and abilities and ways of doing things just don't measure up.

When our comparisons lead to judgments and we feel we don't measure up, we unleash a downward negative spiral. Comparison with others becomes the standard by which we judge ourselves, and external validation or condemnation from others builds or destroys our feelings of self worth. When what others feel or say sets the standard, then the following are not far behind:

• You feel that you must continually prove and justify your worth through achievement.
• You become motivated by fear (e.g., fear that you will not measure up or be "good enough"; fear of losing love, status, etc.).
• You constantly worry about how others might diminish your feelings of worth and are blind to how you diminish yourself.
• You don't trust your own mind or your own judgment because you believe that others must "know better."
• You become unhappily preoccupied with the judgments and opinions of others.
• Your relationships narrow as you seek the company of only those who agree with you or will offer you praise.
• You seek to prove your value by measuring yourself against a comparative standard.

Why do we undervalue ourselves in comparison to others?

There are some perfectly natural and logical reasons for why we all tend to undervalue our own attributes, talents, and abilities and overvalue those of others. Here are three of the most important ones:

• We undervalue things that come easily to us. Those strengths, skills, talents, and abilities that are the most central to who you are come easily to you. They are a natural reflection of how you sense things, how you process information, how you think and act. They are so much a part of you that they do not appear to you to be "special." You think, "Who I am or what I do is not unique or special," "Everyone is this way" or "Everyone can do this."

  When you look at what other people achieve, it often seems "difficult" or "miraculous" or out of the ordinary. It never occurs to you to think that perhaps what they are doing is simply a natural reflection of what comes easily to them.

• We get fixated on the "positive" side of a trait or ability we admire. When you admire what you consider to be a "positive" trait or attribute in someone else, you tend not to think about the fact that every trait has an opposing side that may well be absent. Thus, for example, people who excel at handling details often do not excel at staying focused on the big picture; people who are great at logical and rational thinking may not have a strong sense of intuition; people who are great visual learners may not be well attuned to taking in information presented in an auditory mode. Here again we get trapped by the "judgment" we attach to the traits we see in others. These traits are not "good" or "bad", they are just different, and their presence often implies the specific absence of other traits.
• We have trouble keeping up with our own evolution. Every day/week/month/year, you are changing and evolving who you are, what you know, and what you can do. Unfortunately, many times your self-image does not stay current with who you are today and does not actively assimilate your new elements. You see yourself as you were at an earlier stage, and remain constrained by limitations that may no longer apply.

If we don't make comparisons, then how do we judge our own level of achievement and success?

If you step back from relying on comparison with others and external validation as the measures of your own level of success, then there has to be another yardstick by which you can determine whether you are being or becoming who you want to be. So what is this new standard and how do you create it? How do you decide what kind of person you seek to become? How do you choose the principles that you want to guide your life? How do you build your personal foundation from the inside out? Here are the key steps:

• Set a new purpose. And that purpose is to find out who you really are and how you naturally operate, and to bring the purest expression of this into the world. Let the words of Martha Graham become your personal motto:

  "There is vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open."



• Create goals that nourish who you are instead of adopting "alien" goals that come from others. Set goals that are not about being the "best" "smartest", etc.
• Consciously choose the values that you want to guide your life. Avoid unconsciously and uncritically adopting the values of others. Choose the ones that are your most important priorities and your deeply held driving forces, then let them direct how you spend your time and determine how you interact with others. Make two of your highest values integrity and personal authenticity. Make it a priority to live in integrity, with your head, heart, and feet all pointed in the same direction.
• Create new criteria for judging your performance. When you are looking to decide whether to cultivate a new trait or take on a new activity ask yourself, "Is this a true expression of who I am (my highest self?)" instead of asking, "Will this make me the best?"
• Cultivate relationships that are founded on honesty and mutuality. When you are not in "comparison" mode and are freed from the negative emotions of envy and jealously that tag along, you can be fully open to the positive emotion of "admiring" others, and open to the positive experience of learning from others through modeling and mentoring. Your career will benefit as you learn the advantages of hiring and/or working with people who are smart and talented, without feeling threatened by them.
• Expand your awareness and consciousness; live mindfully. Learn to listen to your internal signals (e.g., from your body, your emotions, and your intuition) so that the external inputs from others recede into the background. Seek to see and know as much as possible, and then act on what you know. Be loyal to finding the truth, not making yourself right.
• Avoid situations where reality is denied or distorted or where awareness is punished.
• Constantly ask yourself, "And what do I think?" Then act on your own judgments and allow yourself the learning that comes from directly experiencing the consequences of your own choices.
• Cultivate your ability to make critical distinctions - for example, to distinguish among facts that you perceive, interpretations you make, and the emotions you feel about them.
• Create your own personal definition of success by filling in the ending to the sentence, "I know I am successful by ..."
• Be willing to acknowledge that you are in control of your behavior and then accept responsibility for your actions and everything that happens around you.

As you make these shifts in perspective you will notice some fundamental changes in how you operate in the world. You will find joy in self-expression, in simply being who you are. You will experience expanded horizons of what you see as possible and appropriate for yourself, and this in turn will free you to learn and grow and achieve in new areas. Your self-respect will emanate from your conviction of your own value, not from the necessity of feeling superior to someone else.

What is your point of view? Please post your thoughts on the discussion board.

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