Most of us have to work to earn a living, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. But what can become tiresome, distressing, and even unhealthful is when we don't feel that we can ever "disengage from work" - when life begins to feel like one big long work day and we have no time or energy left for personal activities, personal relationships, or for ourselves. One of my clients summed it up this way: "I don't mind spending time at work. What I mind is spending my 'play' time thinking about work. Because I can't ever disengage from work, I feel like I can't get engaged in my own personal life. I really need to get a life."

Here are some thoughts on what might be keeping you trapped in "work mode" and how to "get a life."

Things that keep you stuck in work mode:

Unconscious beliefs such as "work before play"
Did you grow up hearing, "Finish your homework and then you can go out and play"? These may not have been the exact words, but in many ways we are socialized to believe that "work" comes before "play". In today's world, with complex jobs and 24/7 connectivity, work seems never to be done, and so it is hard to convince ourselves that it is OK to play. Unconscious internalized beliefs such as "work before play" can keep you feeling like you are always "on", and make enjoying your personal life all but impossible.

Feeling that you need to be a different person at work
Many people feel they need to be "different people" at work and at home. Especially if you work at a job where there are major parts of who you are that cannot be expressed in your job, or are not valued in your work environment, then you may find yourself compartmentalizing your life and "switching" back and forth between your work self and your personal self. Such switching requires time and energy.

Also, if because of the nature of your work environment you feel that you need to erect "personal walls" to protect yourself from the emotions or behaviors of others, this too can keep you stuck in work mode. Walls take time and energy to put up and take back down, and if you work long hours, there may simply not be enough time left in the "off hours" to switch roles. When you put work-related walls in place, it takes some time to get back into your personal life because switching into personal mode requires that you not only change what you do (i.e., switching from work-related tasks to personal activities) but also switch who you are being.

Fast-paced future-oriented thinking
The way you think at work may also be very different than how you think in personal mode, and switching between these two modes of thought may be problematic. Most of the time at work there is a need for rapid and future-based thinking. You are focused on what is coming at you next and all of the potential consequences of your decisions and actions. You need to think fast and act fast. To be truly engaged in your personal life (people and activities) your focus needs to be more in the "now" and the pace may need to slow down. To fully enjoy your personal time you need to be able to experience life in real-time and fully engage in the moment.

How to disengage from work and get engaged in your personal life:

Once you have an idea of what is keeping you stuck in work mode it is easier to craft a solution that will allow you to get more engaged in your personal life. What doesn't work is beating yourself up for "staying in work mode" or simply telling yourself to change. The most effective techniques require that you modify your environment to facilitate your ability to more easily engage in your personal life - by changing either what you do, how you do it, when you do it, who you do it with, or by modifying your physical environment. Here are some examples to get you thinking.

1. If you find yourself stuck in work mode because you have accepted (consciously or unconsciously) the "work before play" dictum, then see if there is a way that you can redefine or restructure what you do so that there are clear-cut "done" points. Sometimes you can do this within the context of your current job - by consciously breaking down long projects into discrete steps with observable milestones where you can feel "complete" for the moment before you tackle the next step. Sometimes you may actually want to consider changing the nature of the type of work you do. For example, one of my coaching clients who worked as a Project Manager in a corporate environment where the projects themselves each lasted over a year, never felt "done" until she shifted to working as a consultant on projects that each lasted three months or less. Between jobs she felt completely "done" and ready to play, even if it was for just a few days between assignments. By changing what she did and how she did it she was able to dramatically change her experience of her life - she no longer felt that she was working all the time - she felt that she was able to fully experience and enjoy both her work and her play periods.

2. If you are currently living a compartmented life, being one person at work and a different person at home, or if you are finding it necessary to erect personal walls at work, you are living in an environment where shifting from work mode to personal mode will be time consuming and energy draining as you constantly struggle to shift "who you are." Rather than simply enduring the situation and the negative effects on your ability to enjoy your personal life, here again you may want to examine how to restructure or reinvent the situation or environment so that you can experience a more integrated life. Here are some things to investigate:

• What part of who I am is not being expressed or honored in my current work situation? Can I change my assignment, task, job, reporting relationship, or career so that I can bring more of all of who I am to my work?


• What is causing me to feel that I need to put up personal walls at work to protect myself? What options do I have to change the situation?


• What would a more integrated life look like and feel like to me? What would I be willing to change to make this a reality?

3. If you find yourself unable to wholeheartedly embrace and enjoy your personal time because you are stuck in "work thinking mode", here are some techniques to help you more quickly and easily shift into "personal thinking mode":

• Get physical. One of my coaching clients finds that playing highly competitive sports gets him quickly into "play" mode. As he so aptly put it, "It's hard to think about work when a volley ball is coming at your head."


• Engage your passions. If the tasks that consume your personal time are all mundane, tiresome, repetitive or dull (laundry, errands, etc.) then it will be all too easy to drift back into thinking about work issues and problems. But if you schedule activities that spark your passion, and engage your intellect or your emotions (e.g., learning a new language or dance, ceramics, home remodeling, building something) and do these things "first", then they will help you shift into personal mode faster during your free time.


• Seek out a change in scenery. Some people need a change of scenery as a signal to their subconscious that "personal" or "play" time has begun. This can be as simple as getting outside, taking a walk, or taking a drive. Often if you seek out a very different or unusual environment this can help you make the switch out of "work thinking mode" happen faster and easier because the novelty of what you are seeing will engage your senses and your attention and keep you focused in the present moment. Think about taking a walk in China Town, going for a hike in the mountains, taking a swim at the beach, or going to a theme restaurant.


• Learn your required "switch time" and allow for it. How long does it normally take you to switch from work to personal mode? Minutes? Hours? A day or more? It is important to know how long you need to fully complete the process. If you don't find, or create, the necessary time your transition to personal mode will never feel complete, and you will end up with that pervasive and exhausting feeling like you are "always" working. Some of my coaching clients, after identifying their personal time requirements for fully switching into personal mode, have restructured their jobs to accommodate their required timetables. For example, they have:
  • Arranged their work schedule so that they have an extra day off every week or every other week.
  
  
  • Arranged to go into work early and leave by 3 or 4 p.m. one or more days.
  
  
  • Arranged to work at home one or more days a week.
  
  

The Bottom Line:

Many people attribute their inability to "have a life" to their workaholic personality and believe that they cannot change. I firmly believe that no matter what your personality or your tendencies, you can find a way to structure your environment using the above types of techniques to allow you to fully enjoy both your work time and your personal time and to "have a life."

What is your point of view? Please post your thoughts on the discussion board.

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