You are the center of your own universe - you can't help but be. "Wait just a minute," you say. "I am not that selfish. My world revolves around others - my spouse, children, family, and friends. I am not self-centered." But in many important ways you are - and it is critical that you understand how this affects how you think and act. Sure you interact with the world around you - with people, and objects, and physical environments, but your frame of reference is internal. This is perfectly natural and most of the time this orientation causes little problem. You see things from your own perspective, through the lens of your own background, upbringing, experiences, and belief framework. But when you are going through big changes in your life, forgetting the implications of your being the "center of the universe" can be a disaster.

Here are four ways that being the center of your own universe can cause you problems during times of significant change, and ways to avoid the pitfalls that can derail you.

1. You can't see your own progress

As you work your way through the process of making big changes in your life (e.g., changes in your career or relationships) you often make progress on many fronts at once - adding key skills to your arsenal as you go. For example, you may begin to draw finer and finer distinctions about what attracts you and what doesn't, articulate more clearly what it is you want, set your personal boundaries more appropriately, etc. But unbelievable as it may sound, most likely you will not recognize any of this - you will not be able to see your progress. As you change and grow, your new skills simply become integrated into "who you are" and your center of reference changes. You look out at the world around you and see it from "your perspective" just as you always have - but what you can't see is that your perspective itself has changed.

As a Coach who specializes in working with people who want to make big changes in their lives I see this all the time. In fact, it is so common that it is well accepted in the coaching industry that one of the things Coaches do is to "Reveal the client to themselves." When you are making big changes it is essential to find someone who can serve as your "clean mirror" to reflect back what is happening in a way that you can really see it. And to be that "clean mirror" whomever you choose has to have no other objective than supporting you in finding what is best for you - they cannot be clouded by, or concerned with, their own agendas.

2. You lose track of your vision

Big changes require numerous small steps. There are lots of messy details to deal with, and that makes us naturally want to lower our eyes to the rocks in the road right in front of us that we need to navigate around, rather than keep our eyes focused on the horizon (i.e., our larger vision of where we are headed).

There is a part of us that knows that we need to keep track of where we are going, but too often that translates into a simple reporting of what is happening in the moment. "Now I have made it past this obstacle; now I have conquered that issue; now I am headed towards step XYZ." Reporting is easy for us human beings and so we feel comforted that because we can talk about where we are and what steps we are taking, we must be on the right track. Unfortunately, when we are in this "reporting" mode the part of our brain that creates and holds our vision of the future - the creative part of our thinking power - disengages. The result is that we get lost easily. "Now where was it I was headed?" Here again, a major cause of this difficulty is that we can't step outside ourselves and keep both our progress and our vision in focus at the same time. Looking out from our position at the center of our universe, we lose sight of where we are headed because there are too many obstacles in our line of sight that consume our focus and attention and block our sight-line to the future.

Because you are the center of your universe, when going through big changes you will need someone to "hold your vision" for you when you get lost along the trail. Here again, you must carefully choose your change partner - they must understand their role and know how to hold your vision for you in a way that lights your path.

3. You can't see the inconsistencies in your thinking

We all tend to say the most ridiculously inconsistent things all of the time. "I hate warm weather" and "I would love to live in Hawaii." Inconsistencies are perfectly natural - after all who has the mental energy to fact check and compare all of the statements that come out of our minds and our mouths. The things we say, no matter how inconsistent, just seem to feel right to us because, since we are the center of the universe, we get to say whatever we want. Most of the time such inconsistencies are of little consequence and, at most, are small annoyances to our friends and family who hear what we utter and say, "Huh?" But when you are trying to make big changes in your life such inconsistencies can be monumentally important. For example, if you are considering making a career change, it is not a good thing when you say, "Gee, I think being an editor sounds like fun" when in reality most of the time you are crystal clear on the concept that your mind crashes when you have to deal with details. The inconsistencies you won't be able to see from your perspective as the center of your universe, you will need someone with an unbiased outside perspective to point out to you.

4. Your default beliefs dominate

Making big changes in your life is hard work and requires effort and energy. When your energy outflow is high, you (like everyone else) will tend to naturally conserve energy wherever you can. One big area that requires energy is trying to see things from another person's perspective. It is much easier to see things from your own perspective - from within your own secure and cozy "center of the universe" viewpoint. So when you are experiencing the stresses associated with making big changes you will tend to naturally revert to your default ("own perspective") beliefs. Yet big changes that you make will typically have big impacts on others around you, and it is usually important to at least understand what those impacts will be. Once again, an outside perspective can be invaluable.

In Summary:

Being the center of your own universe can feel natural, fun, secure, and warmly familiar. And most of the time it is absolutely fine. But when in the throes of making big changes, it is important to realize the serious problems such a perspective can cause so that you can seek out a "change partner" who can offer you an unbiased, outside perspective. It is a common statement that, "You can't do it all by yourself," and navigating significant change is an area where this statement profoundly rings true.

What is your point of view? Please post your thoughts on the discussion board.

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