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WITI PERSONAL GROWTH
Finding Your Passion is Not as Easy as It Sounds
Most of us have had the following experience - we are happily reading along in our morning newspaper or in our favorite magazine and we come across one of "those kind" of stories - and we cringe. It's a story about some wildly successful man or women who says, "I just knew since I was four years old that this is what I wanted to do with my life." And somehow just reading this makes us feel resentful or envious or annoyed with ourselves. "Why didn't I 'just know' as a child what my life's passion would be? Why did I not have a grand vision that effortlessly guided all my decisions and actions until I too became deliriously happy and successful?" The truth is, that with the exception of those few rare souls who somehow connect with their destiny at an early age, for most of us finding our passion is not so easy. What does it really mean to find your passion? Why is it so hard to find? How can you start on the path to finding your passion? What Does it Really Mean to "Find Your Passion"? At its core "finding your passion" (at least as the phrase is used today) means finding the thing that you most want to do - that activity that you want to engage in - that sparks an intensely positive emotional reaction when you think about it or do it. Doing something you are passionate about creates seemingly boundless excitement and energy - it feels effortless and naturally compelling - it pleases you and satisfies you and fulfills you. Given the wealth of positive states our passions can conjure up, you would think that we would be able to hone in on them with piercing accuracy like a human divining rod naturally drawn to the source of our own well. On the contrary most people not only have great difficulty in discovering their own passion, they also suffer a secret shame when they are unable to do so. Why is it So Hard to Find Your Passion? There are many reasons it is difficult to find your passion. If you are struggling in this area rest assured you are not alone - and your lack of progress is not the result of some personal shortcoming. No one teaches us how No one teaches us how to look inside and ask ourselves the key questions to plumb our own depths. Finding your passion requires achieving crystal clarity about what you really love to do, who you love to do it with, and how you work best. It requires asking the right questions and not being satisfied with superficial answers. We are trained to "do what we need to do" Young children are often in touch with what they like and don't like to do - and are more than willing to let you know about it! Their reactions to things (positive and negative) are quite natural and spontaneous. Yet as we grow and experience the socialization process - as we learn to get along with others and do our "duty" - we learn to submerge our instantaneous reactions and carefully consider the implications of what we are about to do or say. We extend our time horizons - we ask ourselves not, "Do I like this - will this bring me pleasure to do it?" but "Is this the best thing for me in the long run given all of the other factors I need to consider?" And the older we grow the more factors we take into consideration. A simple example is how we are encouraged to temper our emotions in the workplace. We learn neither to jump up and down when we are really excited nor to cry in frustration and anger. But the simple act of disconnecting from our instantaneous emotions over time leads to a lessoning of our ability to really know what triggers our strong feelings. This emotional "deadness" hinders our ability to determine what we really LOVE. We feel it is selfish to focus on what we want Most of us are taught that is it selfish to think about what we really want just for ourselves - so we stop doing it. If we try to do it, we feel uneasy or guilty and this complicates our ability to sense our true reactions to activities we might otherwise explore for their passion potential. We forget that there is a key distinction between what we like and what we are good at There are undoubtedly many things that you are good at and can do well. When other people see and experience the things you do well they may compliment you and reward you for doing these things. Your self esteem grows as people observe and reward your competencies. "Oh you are so good at that!" they say. "You would be crazy not to keep doing it!" In the face of such positive reinforcement it is easy to forget a very important fact - just because you CAN do something does not also mean you LOVE to do it. Finding your passion means being able to clearly distinguish what you really love from what you are good at. Our minds are too consumed to think Thinking about and trying to reconnect with what you love is both an analytical and an intuitive process. It requires having the time and the mental "space" to uncover, examine, and let go of entrenched beliefs and assumptions, and to reconnect with your intuitive sense of what brings you pleasure. If your mind is fully engaged with the day-to-day thoughts that accompany the activities and relationships of your current work and personal life you may not have the bandwidth or freedom to engage in the process of finding your passion. We don't trust our own judgment In most aspects of our lives we learn to value the input of others when we are faced with making decisions or taking actions. It seems logical that others who have more knowledge or experience in an area we are dealing with can give us valuable tips. But think about it - what use is the opinion of others in helping you decide what you love? They cannot know your thoughts or feelings, they have not had your experiences, they are "not you" so they can't help you. Discovering what you love is an area where the inputs of others are of little use. When we rely on others to make our assessments and decisions we invoke the luxury of not being solely responsible in case we screw up (e.g., we can always say that so-and-so also thought it was a good idea). When we are faced with deciding what we love or what our passion is we are left totally on our own and that can feel very threatening. Just to show you how threatening it can feel let me share with you two comments made by an attendee of one of my Take Control of Your Life seminars when she was asked to write down what she liked. When given the assignment she immediately raised her hand and asked two telling questions: "What if I am wrong?" "What if I change my mind?" Think about it for a minute. How could she be "wrong" about what she likes? After all she is the sole determiner. And what if she writes down something today and decides tomorrow that she likes something else better? Who cares! The important lesson here is that, for whatever reason, we often have an anxiety about having to take personal responsibility to identify for ourselves what we really love. After all, there is no one else we can blame! How can You Start on the Path to Finding Your Passion? A lot of people begin the search for their passion with a great deal of angst. They take it on just as they would take on any other work assignment - "I need to get this done, I need to get it done quickly, I need to write down the steps and check them off..." etc. But finding your passion is not a strictly linear analytic task. You need to reframe how you think about your search - it is not a striving - it is an uncovering - it is a peeling away of all of the layers of things that have disconnected you from your natural sense of what brings you pleasure. It is a de-conditioning. It is an embracing of the rightness of allowing yourself to "selfishly" ask yourself, "What is the right thing for me?" Here are some key steps to the process. Ask yourself the right questions Asking yourself the right questions to discover the nuances of what feels right to you is critical. You need to be able to create finer and finer distinctions in the key dimensions you are attracted to. For example, it is not enough to say, "I feel attracted to working with children." You need to be more specific: What age? Boys, girls, or both? Children with certain attributes? Doing what sorts of things? In what sort of environments? It is often helpful in this questioning process to find someone (e.g., a brainstorming partner) to work with you - not to tell you the answers, but to help you ask yourself the right questions so that you can discover the answers at the level of depth required. The person you engage to help you in this process must not be one who is invested in any way in who you are or what you do (i.e., someone who might be threatened by your discovery of what you truly love and want to do). Learn to notice the shifts If you are to distinguish what you truly love from what you mildly like or think you should love you need to be able to notice the "shifts" that occur within you as you contemplate various alternatives. For example, pay attention to the shift in your voice as you talk about different options. As a Coach I can tell you with absolute certainty that I can "hear" the passion, or lack of it, in my client's voices as they discuss various life or career options. Be willing to examine the reasons you give yourself for why you are attracted to certain things or why you do certain things About a year ago one of my clients told me that he had decided to get an MBA because he felt that no one would take him seriously in business unless he did that. Because his assumption did not ring true to me I asked him an obvious question: "Are you attracted to the business world?" His answer, "No." It is critical to pay attention to the reasons you give yourself for why you choose to do things. Recognize that finding your passion is both an analytical and intuitive process Part of finding your passion involves asking yourself the questions that help you picture in glorious detail the things you feel attracted to: the types of things you like to do; the types of people, animals, or things you like to be around; the physical environments that bring you joy; the ways in which you like to work. But part of it is also intuitive - reconnecting with the instantaneous "gut feelings" that inform you of the pleasure or pain you feel when you contemplate or engage in certain activities or relationships. Clear the space for the journey People often ask me if in order to begin the journey of finding their passion they need to "get out" of their current situation (e.g., leave their current job or relationship). The answer is not the same for everyone. If you can free up the time and energy to do the necessary discovery work while you remain in your current situation, or if leaving your current situation would create more pressure or stress in your life (e.g., financial stress, etc.), then by all means stay where you are. But over the years I have observed that many people do need to "break the mold" in some way in order to engage in the journey, and they are often able to find creative ways to do so. For example, I have had clients choose to take sabbaticals, arrange extended trips to countries with other cultures (some of these have even been work sponsored), or shift into less stressful "interim" jobs while they continue their journey. The Bottom Line: Can you live without finding your passion? Absolutely! Many people do. Many spend their lives making decisions under conditions created by luck or circumstance, or tending toward the path of least resistance. These choices are neither right nor wrong. But if for you finding and living your passion is a fervent desire, then the journey can be an enlightening, enjoyable, and rewarding one.
What is your point of view? Please post your thoughts on the discussion board.
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