From early childhood, we have developed various attitudes and belief systems about money and the way we use it in our everyday lives. The more we understand our conditioning and automatic responses, the freer we are to make appropriate decisions based on current information.
Exploring your relationship with money can be an interesting and illuminating process. We have received money messages both verbally and non-verbally from our family, our peers and our culture. As women, we often received different messages about money than men even in the same family and in the same culture. Most of us were led to believe that we would be in the background supporting the primary earner in our adult family, not the primary earner.
Common money messages, especially for women may include: “I shouldn’t spend money on myself;” “I’m not smart with money;” “ I have to work much harder than a man for my money;” or “Having a lot of money means you must have cheated or manipulated somebody to get it.”
How much more satisfying to have money messages such as, “I take full responsibility for the amount of money that flows in my life”; “I can learn about money just like I’ve developed other important skills;” “I choose to allocate my resources to what matters most to me” or my personal favorite: “Wealth includes money and is more than just money.”
If you would like to explore your own personal money messages to learn more about the messages you have incorporated into your life, a good way to begin is to write your money autobiography.
Reflect on your childhood and write about the experiences that shaped your underlying attitudes and beliefs about money. Start with your first memory of money and what you learned about money from your parents. Was money discussed openly? Was money an “issue” in your household surrounded by tension and conflict? How was money used – to punish, reward, share with others, impress or control others? How did your mother feel about money? Your father? Were their attitudes similar or very different? Which of those messages have you brought along with you in your life?
Explore your own earning and spending patterns. What was your first job? What did you do with the money your earned? What was your first major purchase? Were you encouraged to save any of the money you earned?
Today, do you more closely follow the examples set by your family or other important people in your life or have you created your own, independent believe system around money? Do you consider yourself to be more or a spender or a saver now? Are you more of a money avoider, worrier or at peace with your money
Specifically, what type of salary package have you negotiated? How do you prepare for the conversation with your employer in terms of your contribution to the financial bottom line? Are you able to recognize and articulate all that you offer or do “don’t brag” internal messages stop you? Do you believe you are being compensated adequately for your work? How does your salary compare with others in the same position in your company and in similar companies? Being a member of WITI provides a great opportunity to share salary information in addition to checking internet sources.
If you live with a partner, how are the financial decisions made? Do you each have equal input, do you defer or do you make the final decision? What money messages along the continuum from ‘I don’t understand money’ to ‘I want to be in control of our money’ have created this agreement? (Another column will be devoted to “Monthly Money Meetings”.)
Do you enjoy your purchases now or is there some money message lurking in the background, telling you that you shouldn’t spend money on yourself? Is there a rebellious side that proclaims you deserve it? Either way, some message is running the show.
In your heart of hearts, what role would you like money to play in your life? What money habits have brought you closer to your life goals and what money habits have been obstacles to reaching your life goals? What has most influenced your financial philosophy today and what experiences have shaped your current level of satisfaction around money?
These habits and beliefs, especially if hidden, can deeply affect our lives. Studies have shown that those who receive a large sudden influx of money either through inheritance or winning the lottery, often return to their previous standard of living within three to five years after the influx of cash.
We don’t just wake up one morning and say, “Starting today, I’m going to feel peaceful and secure about money” and change a lifetime of habits, but bringing awareness to our habits is a solid step towards change.
Visualization can be a valuable practice. Try this process with your money messages in mind:
When you are calm and relaxed, bring to mind you old money message. See it written and feel where it lives in your body. Breathe into that part of your body and let it go. See the writing on the page grow dimmer and dimmer so you can hardly read it. Thank that message for taking care of you but you understand that it doesn’t serve your now. Mentally, put the paper in a drawer and close the drawer. You don’t need it anymore.
Take another relaxing breath.
Now, bring to mind your new money message. Say it to yourself and feel it in your body. Allow the message to permeate into every cell. This is your new operating system. This message is your new source. Feel the energy this message produces. See yourself acting from this message, making new decisions easily, effortlessly. Find yourself relaxing into a world that supports you while you support others. Take a deep breath and savor this feeling. Now, touch your fingertip to your thumb to anchor this connection. You’re always connected to your message, each other and the world. If you forget, return to this place. Savor the grace you feel here.
Take another relaxing breath. This is home.
I’d love to hear how this works for you. Please let me know.