Calling Forth Who You Want to Be
We all have multiple identities - not just objective personal and professional roles we fulfill (wife, husband, friend, corporate vice president, entrepreneur, business owner, homemaker, artist, engineer, etc.) - but very personal emotion-infused identities that define how we view ourselves, how we show up in the world, and how others see us.
The following are just a few examples of identities you may have taken on, saying to yourself or silently believing, "I am...
- The great achiever
- The hero/heroine
- The quiet contemplative soul
- The thinker
- The calm spirit in the face of chaos
- The nurturer who wants to care for others
- The adventurer
- A person of strength and power
Others may define our identities in ways that fit with how we see ourselves or they may see us in different ways, for example potentially perceiving the above identities in very different terms such as:
- The steamroller
- The one who creates problems through lack of planning and then rushes in to “save the day” by handling the same mess they originally created
- The loner
- The person who never takes action
- The person who can’t prioritize and gives the same crisis priority to everything
- The pushover
- The foolhardy risk taker
- A power-hungry shark
- The difference between “doing” and “being."
- What identity you want to call forth.
- How your identity is perceived by others.
- The behaviors that will help you unambiguously express your desired identity.
Your actions are the observable things you do – others can see them. Actions are the “doing” part of the equation. Actions are pretty obvious – but what is not so obvious, and is definitely open to interpretation, is the motive behind your actions. This is where the “being” part comes in. The key question is, “Who are you being when you take your actions?” For example, when you take your red pen and mark up a subordinate’s ten-page report are you being a kind and caring supervisor who wants to nurture and guide your employees to success, or are you an overcritical, demanding tyrant who capsizes your subordinates creativity in an sea of red ink? As obvious as they are - actions are not unambiguous in their intention. Your identity defines who you are being at the time you take action – but because actions are not unambiguous - the identity others perceive may not be the identity you aspire to or intend.
Know What Identity You Want to Call Forth
You may not have ever thought about it but you can actually identify and call forth the identity you want when you take an action. Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be in this situation?” “How do I want to be seen and what would that look like to me in terms of the actions I would like to take?” Using again the example of the supervisor with the red pen, he/she might ask themselves, “Do I want to be seen as someone who cares for my employees and only wants the best for them?” Being clear on the identity you invoke, and what you think it looks like to manifest that identity, is half the battle. The other half of the battle is being sensitive to how your identity is actually perceived by others.
Be Sensative to What Your Identity Looks Like to Others
Even if the identity you intentionally call forth in a given situation is pure and altruistic, it is not always the case that others will interpret your behaviors in the way you intend. To perfect a clear and correctly-interpreted identity requires that you take an active role in making sure your actions AND your intentions are accurately perceived by others. That means you need to gain some insight into how your actions are perceived and how they create the identity you are known by in the eyes of others. It is important to find ways to obtain feedback on how others perceive you so that you can identify any mismatches between your intentions and their perceptions. The first place to look for clues is in the direct reaction you get from any person who is on the receiving end of your actions. What are their verbal and non-verbal responses to what you do? What can you deduce or uncover about their emotional reactions to your behavior or their assumptions about what is driving your behavior? As another approach you may want to ask a trusted friend or colleague to “tell you the truth” about how others see you and how your actions appear in a given situation, or you may want to sensitize yourself to rumors or innuendos you hear about “your reputation” or how others perceive you. Also, if you are given an opportunity to participate in a 360° evaluation where you can receive anonymous feedback from those around you (e.g., supervisors, colleagues, direct reports, customers, etc.), embrace it as a positive opportunity to compare your self-ratings of key behaviors with the ratings offered by others.
Identify the Behaviors that Will Help You Express Your Chosen Identity
If you uncover disconnects between the identity you intend and how your identity is perceived by others, it is time to experiment with new behaviors. Ask yourself, “If the actions I am currently taking are leading others to interpret who I am being (i.e., my identity) differently than I had anticipated, then what other behaviors/actions might work for me to achieve the outcome that I desire (e.g., nurturing my subordinates in a way that is positive and helpful to them) while clearly expressing the identity I have called forth?” Thus, for example, if you discover that the red marks and exclamation points you scribbled all over your subordinate’s report intending to help them to improve their communication skills are interpreted by them merely as evidence that you are hypercritical, overbearing and status-hungry, you may want to consider alternative ways to provide your well-intentioned career guidance in the future.
Bottom Line
You have the power to change your own story and the story of what is being told about you. You can do so by learning to call forth the identity or identities that best express who you are or aspire to be, and by being willing to experiment with, and adapt, the behaviors you exhibit and actions you take so that they unambiguously communicate your true intentions and identity to others.