Many years ago I married my high school sweetheart. Since he wanted to be in the Air Force, I got my degrees in education so I could teach wherever he was stationed.

Much to my surprise (and my mother's horror) the marriage lasted only 13 years. When we got divorced I knew nothing about money or our family budget.

I had begun working for Xerox at the time because no teaching jobs were available in CA when we moved here. I learned some lessons the hard way which led to my interest in financial planning. Throughout my years of practice, I have continually encouraged people to talk about money before they get married, for a wide variety of reasons including the sad fact that the marriage may not last a lifetime.

Divorce can be emotionally gut-retching and financially devastating. According to David Popenoe, professor of sociology emeritus at Rutgers, the current divorce rate is about 45%, dropping to about 40% for first marriages and declines further for college-educated couples, couples who share the same religion and whose parents have remained married.

Over the almost 30 years of my practice, I have found that it is rare that both partners share the same savings and spending habits. Typically, one is more likely to want to live for today at the fullest and the other wants to save for the rainy-day possibilities of tomorrow. Fortunately, I have also found that those marrying or starting a partnership for the second time are more likely to talk about money in advance of the marriage. That’s good news because the topic can become much more volatile when children, spousal support and more entrenched habits are involved.

According to an article in the New York Times, there are four financial areas that should be discussed before the special day:

Ancestry

Look back at your own personal past by exploring theses questions: How did your parents deal with money? How did they teach you to deal with money? How does that impact how you deal with money? How might those habits impact your future relationship?”

Start by sharing your earliest money memories — whether your father hid money from your mother or how either parent fretted over the funds available. This can be a particularly intense discussion for people whose parents were divorced, and the stories are sometimes accompanied by tears.

Credit

While this may be about the least romantic subject imaginable, your credit history holds a chunk of your permanent financial record. It follows naturally from the ancestry conversation. A credit report is, in part, a catalog of past mistakes and overall habits. Obtain your personal credit reports and share it with your partner. It’s a good starting point for a discussion about what you’ve learned (or still need to learn) about handling money.

If there are errors or low credit scores that a you can improve, there may still be time to make the fixes so that you can qualify for the best rates on a loan for your first home together if that seems appropriate. Also, if you’re surprised, it’s better to be surprised before you get married so that you’ll have time to work through those issues without having to be financially responsible for the other’s actions.

control

Figuring out who will pay the bills each month can be a very important conversation since people often understand that in a relationship, money is control. It’s essential to get into habit of having your Monthly Money Meetings (discussed in a previous article) so that you each participate in the financial decisions.

It might also be helpful to alternate the bill payment and money management each year so each partner intimately understands the couple’s financial situation.

Develop a decision making strategy. Do you each have equal input on all decisions, for example or does the partner who cares the most and who may have done the research in a particular area have final say? Does each partner have a certain amount of money monthly that doesn’t need to be justified to the other? These kinds of concerns don’t often appear when you’re dating.

Affluence

Talk about just how rich you want to be one day. That, too, is generally not a topic that comes in dating but it’s important to know your “desired level of affluence.” That discussion will provide the groundwork for future discussions about career paths and amount of time spent apart. If one partner wants to work 60 hours a week to make a good living and the other prefers to have less money and be together more, trouble could brew.

None of these are easy topics to discuss but are extremely important. An added benefit is that you will be developing a skill to discuss difficult topics when emotions might be less volatile since you would be talking generally rather than specifically.

Remember, too, that you don’t’ have to have these discussions alone. Therapists, clergy and fee-only financial planners are available to support you.

Please send me your comments and insight: judimartindale@corp.witi.com

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