In my last article, I discussed financial topics for couples to explore before they made a commitment. Today, I’ll describe some potentially dangerous areas for couples in a marriage.

It may be that you have resolved your budgeting differences or spending/saving habits. Things have gone relatively smoothly for a number of years. Then a crisis occurs and your patience and resources are tested.

According to Ron Lieber of the New York Times, there are five circumstances that can test a marriage and provide a choice to either re-commit to the marriage or disengage and divorce:

Reduced Circumstances

If the recession has claimed your family as one of its victims, dealing with your new lifestyle can pose problems for one or both of you. You may never have thought you were “owed” the lifestyle to which you were accustomed, but now that it’s gone, do you blame your partner or work together adjust to your new lifestyle?

Your Mistakes

When one person in the household handles the money, that person gets all the credit when things go well but also receives all the blame when something goes wrong. If the adjustable-rate home loan you took out is resetting to a higher payment and the value of your home has decreased, tempers can flare especially if the options considered now mean downsizing.

Of course important financial decisions such as a home mortgage should be joint decisions but often after years of one partner handling the financial affairs, the other quits keeping up with the details.

The solution is recommitting to a Monthly Money Meeting discussed previously where your review both your Mindful Cash Flow each and every month along with all major financial decisions.

Your Parents

Dealing with a spouse’s loved ones can raise heated emotions because one partner may feel a choice is made against them.

An increasingly common situation today is an aging parent who needs specialized care but has run out of money or can’t get the treatment that you and your siblings want to provide without all the children contributing their own funds.

Such a situation is extremely difficult both ethically and morally becasue each partner must weigh the cost to his own family as well as the cost of care for the loved one.

Your Children

I see financial strife around this topic more than any other. One partner wants to help the child financially while the other doesn’t. Or one partner insists on treating all the children equally while the other wants to look more broadly at the needs of each child and his or her individual circumstances. This can be especially difficult if there are children from previous marriages mixed in a family; allegiance in relationships can begin to come under question.

During these difficult times, the question of helping your children can go beyond just helping them with college tuition and costs. After graduation, they may want to come back home to their own room and comfort. The parents may view that situation very differently.

Even later, your child may want to come home with a child in arms after a divorce.

These are extremely difficult issues and partners would be well-advised to get the help of a fee-only planner and a therapist to sort through all the issues as constructively as possible.

Your Uncertainty

Most couples live with and can tolerate a certain amount of economic uncertainty that comes when so many people around them are losing their jobs. As financial responsibilities increase with mortgages, children and other expenses, so can tensions.

Some people handle this better than others, but the pervasive and relentless anxiety that often results can slowly wear down a couple.

Planning is a key to addressing these concerns and living below your means early in your marriage can help you prepare. This allows you to have a larger-than-average emergency fund which can provide a better mental and financial buffer against uncertainty. Starting early with college savings can also ease future financial challenges.

In addition to your Monthly Money Meetings, it could be helpful to have an annual or semi-annual Financial Retreat to re-evaluate your priorities, spending and savings habits, and re-assess the way you are managing your financial affairs.

If you and your spouse find yourself arguing about money frequently or if financial secrets are commonplace and the cause of strife, bring in a professional to guide the conversations in a safe and productive environment.

You might decide that it would be easier for each of you to have separate bank accounts and each contribute a designated amount based on income or other conditions for common expenses.

Keep in mind that you and your spouse have weathered many storms together. That same commitment to partnership can help you survive financial challenges as well.

Please send me your comments and insight: judimartindale@corp.witi.com