Do you strive to control what happens in your life and relish the feeling of being “in control?” Are you, dare I say it, a control freak – one who feels more safe and secure when you can control both what gets done and how it gets done? Unfortunately, sooner or later most control freaks learn the same hard lesson – control of external events and people is an illusion. The shattering of the illusion of control may come slowly and subtly or with a calamitous bang. But when it comes, and the old sense of security disappears, it helps to know that there is something beyond “control” – something positive that you can move toward – a different “state of being” that can become the new core around which you can re-center – and that new state is “resilience.”
Transitioning from “control” to “resilience” is a progression that most of us will move through in our lives but not one that is often explicitly recognized, talked about, or prepared for. Most of us know something about “control” but what is “resilience” and how is it possible to successfully navigate the transition?
What is Resilience?
There is a whole body of research that addresses the topic of resilience – but rather than summarize the textbook definitions I would prefer to share with you some observations I have made based on years of coaching clients through difficult career and life transitions.
Resilience is your ability to take what life gives you and deal with it in a positive and proactive way – to bounce back. It comes from a deep belief about yourself – that you can handle whatever happens to you and come out the better for the experience. Rather than basing your feelings of security and well being on your dubious ability to control “externals,” such as other people and events, you build your ability to control your own personal interpretations, feelings and actions.
What Triggers the Shift from Control to Resilience?
Over time, just from the daily experience of having to face and deal with multiple challenging circumstances large and small, we begin to get a sneaking suspicion that “control” is not always possible and that an ability to be flexible and adapt is essential. But often even with this nagging suspicion we continue to pursue our lives “as if” prediction and control are the primary skills we need to master and exercise. So when bad events happen we say to ourselves, “That was just a fluke – I can get things back under control.” Thus, unfortunately, the real shift in perspective often comes triggered by a series of undeniably serious events in quick succession or by one horrendous catastrophe such as seeing a friend who is the ultimate saver and planner and health nut die from a brain tumor, or by seeing your finances shattered by global economic financial events that you have no way to predict or control. It is then that you finally say, “I get it” and begin the shift to resilience:
- You may still try to predict as best you can – but you accept that your predictions are only estimates and are not absolutes or necessarily even the most likely outcomes – there are too many external factors you really can’t control.
You plan for multiple contingencies as opposed to planning for a single path based upon assumptions of certainty.
You build your deep internal feelings of self confidence that you can handle anything.
How Can You Build the Self Confidence that is the Core of Resilience?
Building the deep self confidence you need to be resilient in difficult situations requires two things:
- 1. An ability to create your own personal perspective for viewing what happens to you and around you.
2. An ability to take action in difficult circumstances.
Here is a look at how to do both.
You need to be able to frame things that happen in a way that you can deal with them. Look at things the wrong way and it can send you into a tail spin or make you freeze up. Events are what they are but your interpretation is key. When you read the following interpretations of a given situation below try to feel the difference in energy and possibility that one opens up versus the other:
- “This is temporary” versus, “This is the end.”
“There is a lesson here for me to learn” versus, “I got what I deserved.”
“Having gone through this I can help others who face this same situation or be a positive example for them” versus, “Why did this have to happen to me?”
How to Take Action in Difficult Situations
To be resilient you need to be able to make your own interpretations and then act on them. Action is the second step. And there are two key sub-steps that will help you take action in difficult situations:
- 1. Leverage your interpretation to point to action.
2. Understand that there are two types of actions that you can take in a given situation and know which type to focus on.
Creating your own interpretation is essential for spurring yourself into action. Let’s look again at the three interpretations described above, but this time from an energy and action perspective. In all cases the “first” interpretations open up options and even point to a direction for action whereas the “second” interpretations are dead ends. Here’s why:
* Temporary:
When you think, “This is temporary” then you naturally start thinking what might be next and how you can make it happen. If you think, “This is the end” then you might as well just sit there and “take it.”
* Lesson:
If you believe there is a lesson in the situation for you to learn then you naturally want to find out what it is and learn it so you don’t have to deal with it again.
The search for the lesson and its meaning can be inspiring. Here are just three potential lessons you might discover you need to learn in a given situation: I need to learn to not take life so seriously and to be able to laugh at myself. I need to learn to live in the present moment. I need to learn to distinguish between people who have my best interests at heart and those who only want to take advantage of me.
Once you have identified a personal lesson that you want to learn you can plot a path that will get you there or seek help on your identified journey.
* Help or Inspire Others
If your “take away” from your situation is that you want to help or inspire others, then your mind will naturally begin to direct its attention to how you might accomplish this (e.g., by writing, speaking, mentoring, etc.). Your focus will be directed outward and toward action, rather than inward and toward self pity.
Understand That There Are Two Kinds Of Actions You Can Take And Focus On Type #2.
Most people when they take action are focused on the external results they want to create – real tangible results in the outside world that they and everyone else can clearly see. Let’s call this type of action “Action Type #1 – action focused on external results.” So let’s assume you are in the midst of a difficult situation, that you create your own interpretation in a way that allows you to identify a new direction and specific steps to take, and you start down this path with the intent to define and produce “results.” As you do so you begin to regain that old feeling of “control” and forget how tenuous a feeling it can be. You have not quite transitioned into the new state of “resilience” because there is one more piece to add to the puzzle. To be truly resilient, to be able to take what life gives you and deal with it in a positive and proactive way – to not only bounce back but to come back better than ever, you need to grasp Action Type #2: the actions that make you a better person.
Here’s the message: On the journey of life you may not be able to control everything that happens to you or around you but you have 100% control of what kind of a person you become as a result of what happens. If you can embrace the perspective that every challenge, every difficult situation, is an opportunity to work on yourself and to become a better person – suddenly your world shifts. External results can be good or even great but they are not totally under your control. Who you become is under your control. So resilience is not about totally giving up on the idea of being in control, it is about shifting your understanding of WHAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF. When you transition to “resilience” you finally realize that what you have control of is:
- - Your interpretation of life’s events
- Who you become as a person.
Here are the key things you need to realize and do to move from control to resilience:
- 1. Realize that your ability to control external people and events is ultimately an illusion.
2. Understand that “resilience” is a way of being that allows you to bounce back no matter what the situation.
3. The key to resilience is to develop a deep core of self confidence that you can handle what ever life throws at you.
4. The first step to developing a deep and abiding sense of self confidence is to realize that you have the ability to create your own “interpretation” of events in a way that opens up options and possibilities and points to a direction for action.
5. The second step in the transition to resilience is to realize that there are two kinds of actions you engage in - those to produce external results and those that change and evolve who you are as a person. Resilient people keep their focus on the second kind.