WITI Wire

It's Not Always Important to Understand Why

By Jane Herman

“Why did you do that? Think that? Buy that? Go there?” Have you ever noticed how many times a day you find yourself responding to the question, “Why?” Often times the question comes from someone else – but it is a question that we also ask of ourselves.

The “Why?” question has two sides – one that can be helpful and enlightening and one that can be limiting. On the dark side it can keep you from being true to who you are, interfere with your intuition, reek havoc on your self esteem and cause you to give away your power. Let’s take a look at the cause and effect of the “Why?” question.

What motivates people to constantly ask, “Why?”

People ask, “Why?” for lots of reasons – some more supportive than others.
The “good” why’s are usually prompted by a desire to expand the self:

A desire to learn something new (e.g., “Why are penguins black and white?”) Our curiosity about the world is a wellspring of “Why?” questions.
A desire to understand something that is not obvious or intuitive (e.g., “Why is the door shut?” “Why did that happen?”)
A desire to understand the motivation of another person in order to get to know them better – to understand their deepest feelings, desires and motivating forces.
A need for order in our world – we want to believe that the world is not full of random events – that cause and effect is indeed operating in our environment – and so we seek causes for the effects we observe in the “Why?” questions that we ask.

But there are also some other, not so empowering, reasons people ask us, “Why?”

As a subtle way of accusing us of doing something wrong - as in the question “Why in the world did you do that?” - in which the real implied question is, “Why in the world did you do such a stupid thing?”
To gain control in a situation or over a person – as in the question, “Why did you go right when it makes so much more sense to go left?”
As a disguised attack on our personal taste or our hopes and desires: “Why are you wearing that ripped pair of jeans?” “Why do you want to visit Bosnia?”
A need for control – for example when people use the “one-two” punch of first asking you, “Why?” about something you chose, and then quickly following it up with their suggestion of a different alternative.
As an expression of anger – “Why can’t you stop... (doing, being, saying) that?”

When “whys” are spoken or intended in a negative way you often hear additional words ringing in your head that did not actually come out of the mouth of the person speaking, as in, “Why do you want to buy that?” – with the unspoken words being ...”that ridiculous, useless, ugly, thing”. Also, when “whys” come across in a negative way they feel very personal and accusatory – and cause us to feel hurt or to react. When a “Why?” is asked in a negative way we get the feeling that no matter what we say our response will not be judged to be satisfactory by the asker because the asker is not simply asking to gain information, they are asking as a way of making a point.
What is the problem with “Why”?

Not all “whys” are problematic. However, those that are trigger reactions in us that lead to negative consequences for our self esteem, our understanding of ourselves and our world, and our personal power. Whys can be a problem when they make us feel:

We have to justify ourselves.
Our reasons for what we do must be fully analytical and completely explainable.
Our reasons need to be “good reasons” as judged by others.
We feel that we need to change who we are so that we can give the proper responses to “Why?” questions.

The truth is that much of the time we simply don’t know exactly why we do things. Many of the things that motivate us in a particular situation are unconscious or multidimensional – we are moved by logic, emotion, physical sensation and myriad other forces. When we hear the “Why?” question we feel compelled to answer – which means that we feel forced to put into words something that may not be able to be captured in words. And in order to put our thoughts and experience and feelings into words we are forced to abstract and simplify. Once we hear ourselves speak our words of explanation, whether in our heads or out loud to another person, then we start to believe the restricted linear representation as the “truth” of the situation as opposed to simply a mere shell of the complexity of what is really going on.

When we are forced to answer the question “Why?” we start to believe our own answers and as a result we are diminished:

Our intuition, which is multidimensional and not easily explained, is ignored because it does not support our ability to provide a “good reason” why we did something. We begin to see the world in a more analytical way – and lose touch with the feelings that could fuel our intuitive flashes.
We give up our own personal power when we feel not only compelled to explain ourselves to others, but to make sure they agree with, and accept, our explanation.
We limit what we do because our internal critic is always keeping us in line by asking “Why?” so that we make sure we have good explanations ready and available in case we are ever asked “Why?” by another.
Our self esteem plummets as we become accustomed to interrogating ourselves over every thought, decision, and action. We lose the ability to act spontaneously without lengthy analysis and deliberation.
We grow accustomed to experiencing the world through our words and explanations and lose our direct connection to the experience of sensation and feeling.

What lies beyond the Why?

Ask yourself the following three questions:

What would happen if you gave up always asking yourself “Why?” and demanding an answer?
What would it be like not to feel compelled to answer every “Why?” question that someone else asked you?
What in your life would be different if you felt free to answer the question “Why?” with the infamous childhood expression, “Just because!”?

When you allow yourself to not ask or answer the question “Why?” you set in motion the following positive forces in your life:

Your intuition strengthens – you can respond to your “gut feelings” without knowing why.
You become less tentative and restricted in your thoughts and actions because you don’t feel compelled to explain yourself.
Your self esteem increases – your sense of trust in yourself strengthens – you just “know” that you will do what is right for you without having to analyze all the reasons why.
What you do and say becomes an expression of all that you are – not just your analytical mind.
You are free to use your feelings to guide your actions as well as your logical mind.

The Bottom Line:

The questions we ask and answer can have profound effects on how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, and how we act. Nowhere is this truer than with the question “Why?” Sometimes to regain our power and sense of self we have to become comfortable in answering the question “Why?” with a “Just because!”

Let me share with you a somewhat strange but wonderful quote I read not too long ago:

“The whales do not sing because they have an answer, they sing because they have a song.”

– Unknown

You too, can be a singing whale – you may not always have the answer to all of the “Why?” questions, but you can trust that inside you is a message – a “song” - that is unique to you and deserves to be brought into the world.

Jane Herman is the Personal and Business Success Coach who helps managers, executives, and individuals take control of their lives and reinvent themselves, their careers, or their businesses. To receive a complimentary 30-minute coaching session with Jane, and/or sign up for Jane's free Success Tools electronic newsletter, log onto www.PersonalAndBusinessSuccess.com or email her at Jane@PersonalAndBusinessSuccess.com.