Communication is essential to our survival and we all feel driven to somehow “do it better.” There are literally thousands of books on communication that offer us tools and techniques to “get ourselves heard.” But behind all of the hoopla lies a simple yet powerful truth: The meaning of your communication is the response that you get. Why is this so and what are the implications?
Communication between people involves both the giving and receiving of information, signals or messages. Yet many people treat communication as a “push to talk” activity. They go into broadcast mode and when they have said their piece they believe their message has been delivered. If the other person does not seem to “get” the message they simply repeat it - in the same way, over and over – or with minor variations. The reality is, the words or actions of the people who “hear” your message define the message they are receiving, regardless of the nature of the message you think you are sending, or what you intended.
The implications of this concept have the power to change how you communicate forever:
- If you don’t get the response you want you need to change how you are communicating.
- If the message that you want to communicate is very important, and/or if your relationship with the individual(s) you are communicating with is important to nurture and sustain, then it is vital that you accept the responsibly to insure not only that your message is “sent” but also that it is “received.”
- It is an illusion that we all understand each other when we use the same words. As pointed out by Bandler and Grinder in their book “Frogs into Princes”, “…since words internally access different experiences – which they must – then there’s always going to be a difference in meaning. There’s a slippage between the word and the experience, there’s also a slippage between my corresponding experience for a word and your corresponding experience for the same word.”
- You need to pay careful attention to the cues that you receive about what your communication actually meant to your recipient. All too often we ignore the subtleties of the responses we get from others, or get them confused with our own internal “interpretations” of what is happening and what it means. It is important to work to clear your sensory channels so that you can pick up on what is actually happening versus your own interpretation.
Most of us are familiar with the many tools we can use to alter the format and implied meaning of our communications - for example by changing our tone of voice, wording, inflection, pacing, and accompanying body language. But what we really need to master is the art of watching the reactions of others, sensing and understanding their responses to what we say, so that we can make the necessary adjustments that will help insure we come closer to delivering the real message we intend.