3. When you tell the other person why they are feeling what they are feeling.

Most women will be familiar with the phrase, “Oh it must be your time of the month,” or, “Your hormones must be out of whack.” Such statements are usually offered by others in situations where you are expressing strong emotions which the other person is uncomfortable with or does not understand. By such statements the other person is subtly telling you that your emotions are inappropriate or excessive and thus that your perception of reality is false.

4. When you define reality on the basis of something you did and hold it out as “true” despite the fact that the other person is directly experiencing something completely different.

For example when one person says, “I see there is a lot of dust on this table” and the other says, “There can’t be I just cleaned it yesterday.” The implication of this second statement is to deny the reality of the senses of the first person – and to suggest that the second person’s statement (assumption) is more valid that the first person’s physical observations. The almost automatic, but often unspoken, reaction of the first person is quite naturally, “What are you saying - that I don’t see what I see?”

The Bottom Line:

The common theme that runs through the above examples and hundreds of others that occur in everyday life is that through words one person is denying the reality of the other and the person whose reality is denied is nine times out of ten going to experience a visceral reaction to this denial that can deteriorate relationships. Because the personal slights seem small, and the topics are often mundane (e.g., the temperature of a room, the dust on a table), in most cases the one “offended” says nothing out loud. However, the inner dialogue is almost reflexive (e.g., “Are you saying I don’t see what I see?”) and over time can lead to simmering resentment that can poison a relationship.

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