There is something I will bet that you do that you are not aware of – and it is seriously undermining your personal relationships. I call it “denying the truth” – and I don’t mean lying to cover up your own thoughts or actions – I mean denying the truth of the other person.
We all live in our own version of reality and for us it represents our “truth.” At the deepest recesses of our being we “just know” what we think, feel, see, hear, etc. and for us it is indeed our reality. Even though we might intellectually understand the concept that each of us has our own unique way of experiencing the world that is influenced by our biology, upbringing, experiences, education, etc. - nerveless at our deepest core level we are still deeply invested in what we know as our own reality or truth. When someone challenges that reality, we feel threatened and diminished and thrown off kilter and we may find ourselves developing negative feelings about the person who challenged our reality even if we don’t consciously realize what is happening. In this way relationships sour without either side knowing what is going wrong. To keep this from happening and to keep your relationships strong it is important to be aware of the things that you say that challenge the reality of another:
1. Speaking as if “your truth” is “the truth.”
There are probably hundreds of examples of things you say without thinking that you put forward as “the truth” when in reality they come from your own frame of reference and reflect personal experience not objective reality. For example when you say, “It is hot in here” your statement seems to be stating the “reality” of the situation. If the other person feels cold then in a small way you are denying their reality with your words. Another way to say the same thing that honors the unique reality of both of you is, “I feel hot.”
2. When you say “you should.”
Any time you say to someone that they “should” do something – you are implying that you know their reality and what is the best and most appropriate response for them to make in the situation. Here again, people have almost a visceral but unconscious negative reaction when they here the words “you should.” Other approaches to provide assistance in a situation without presuming that you understand the other’s reality is to do one of the following:
- Simply say, “I am here for you.”
- Offer the other person the benefit of your differing perspective by helping them to see other possible options or opportunities that they may not have noticed.
3. When you tell the other person why they are feeling what they are feeling.
Most women will be familiar with the phrase, “Oh it must be your time of the month,” or, “Your hormones must be out of whack.” Such statements are usually offered by others in situations where you are expressing strong emotions which the other person is uncomfortable with or does not understand. By such statements the other person is subtly telling you that your emotions are inappropriate or excessive and thus that your perception of reality is false.
4. When you define reality on the basis of something you did and hold it out as “true” despite the fact that the other person is directly experiencing something completely different.
For example when one person says, “I see there is a lot of dust on this table” and the other says, “There can’t be I just cleaned it yesterday.” The implication of this second statement is to deny the reality of the senses of the first person – and to suggest that the second person’s statement (assumption) is more valid that the first person’s physical observations. The almost automatic, but often unspoken, reaction of the first person is quite naturally, “What are you saying - that I don’t see what I see?”
The Bottom Line:
The common theme that runs through the above examples and hundreds of others that occur in everyday life is that through words one person is denying the reality of the other and the person whose reality is denied is nine times out of ten going to experience a visceral reaction to this denial that can deteriorate relationships. Because the personal slights seem small, and the topics are often mundane (e.g., the temperature of a room, the dust on a table), in most cases the one “offended” says nothing out loud. However, the inner dialogue is almost reflexive (e.g., “Are you saying I don’t see what I see?”) and over time can lead to simmering resentment that can poison a relationship.